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and here we are, my heart in your hand.

these last couple months have been nothing short of hell. from Sean's mom dying, to what little I had with Mike falling apart... I just feel like I've been growing up way too fast, and I'm too exposed to the harsh reality of life and I'm just not ready.
I really don't know where to start with this whole Mike situation. I love him, but I don't like him. I don't like the person he's become. he's so callous and cruel and has lost all compassion for everything, especially me. I changed for him. I made myself better so I could finally deserve him, but the tables have turned and now it seems like it's the other way around... at least, that's what everyone tries to convince me of, but a part of me still thinks that somewhere down the line, it was something I did or didn't do, something I said that was all wrong, and that I drove him away. I miss him so much all the time, and I wish things would've worked out different and I wish he had never told me he didn't want me anymore. that's the worst thing to hear, I think, and to believe it and feel so fucking worthless. so easy to replace. so simple to forget. for my birthday, he left that mixtape I made for him a couple years ago for valentine's day in my mailbox. that's just something you never give back. you give back hoodies, other random stupid reminders, but a mixtape is something so much different. it's so personal. it's like a story you write for them with music. and to have it back in my hands was so painful, so I made him come over and take it back, because that is the last thing I want. I gave him another one I made with no actual intention of giving it to him, almost like I was giving him back all my feelings, which in a way, I was. I felt so much better after that, but then again, so much less whole. I think at that point, I started going numb once more. I went for about two weeks after are long talk in my backyard at like, midnight, feeling completely nothing. I didn't cry, but then again I really didn't smile. and then the feelings kind of crashed down on me and cried for three days straight, and then the incident on my birthday made me sober up and feel so much more serious than ever. I kind of realized that he's an asshole now, and no amount of wishing or praying is going to change that. it's who he is and who he is doesn't want me, so I'm done trying, and now I have to move on. it's not a matter of choice. I have to. I can't live with pain like this without breaking, so I have to push him from my mind.
and now there's someone I can't push from my mind, and it's weird because we went from best friend to boyfriend/girlfriend to not talking for a week to best friends again and then best friends with benefits and then best friends falling in love. I guess I'm in love with him. I'm really scared to have those feelings again for anyone, so to say it out loud sounds like a death sentence. he said he's been in love with me for a long time now, and as much as I like hearing stuff like that, it still freaks me the hell out. I don't want to hurt him but I have a tendency to hurt the people I love the most. it seems like it always goes like that, actually... I really rely on him too much to make me happy and to make me feel better. he just always brings a smile to my face. he's all I have left now, all I really care about. I don't know if that's bad or good. he makes me feel invincible, in a way, like no matter how fucking bad things with Mike are, I can still survive it all, even though for so long I thought that it would be the death of me. I just have to remember to breathe and take things one step at a time. and we're handling this with kid gloves, trying to be careful and not rush anything because I know I'm not ready, not even close, and I'm not going to act on anything until I'm absolutely sure I can handle it. I don't know when it will be, but it's not anytime soon. so until then, we're just... us. I don't even really know what we are. we're the closest thing you can get to dating without actually being official, and it's not like we're in an open relationship because we're only, well, with each other, I guess you could say. ergh, why is this all so confusing, so much all at once... epoizjfslxz;.
I don't know anymore. I really don't.

I'll feed you the sky.

I'm gonna start a list of all the things I want for my 16th birthday.


sweet sixteen, bia!Collapse )

so tell me when you're gonna let me in.

I love him with all my fucking heart and he loves me too but he must not want me because he doesn't try and he doesn't talk to me out of school and he doesn't call me and I wait like the fucking fool I am and I crave too much. He kissed me about six days, four hours, and twenty minutes ago. I can't believe I think of it in terms like that, but I do. Distance and time kills because I have come to realize that all I ever do is think in distance and time.
Subject: Kara. Location: B-House carpet. Rampant thoughts: He's five fucking feet away from me. I wish I could reach out and touch him. ...I wish I would've stayed home today.
Subject: Me. Location: Bed. Sleepy, but still rampant thoughts: He promised to call at 9:30-10. It's now 11:03. I feel like throwing up.
Subject: I think you get the idea. Location: Bus, on the way home. On edge, jittery, again rampant thoughts: We just passed his street. So close. I ran up and hugged him after school, like, twenty-five minutes ago, even though I promised myself I wouldn't. I need to get off this fucking bus and drown myself in the rain.
I've ranted and written about how I feel so much already today that it's just too redundant so I'm just going to say this: I miss him.

"I keep myself busy. Time goes faster that way. I go to sleep alone, and wake up alone. I take walks. I work until I'm tired. I watch the wind play with the trash that's been under the snow all winter. Everything seems simple until you think about it. Why is love intensified by absence? I wait for him. Each moment that I wait feels like a year, an eternity. Each moment is as slow and transparent as glass. Through each moment I can see infinite moments lined up, waiting. Why has he gone where I cannot follow?"
I know that this is all I ever talk about in my entries, but I need to vent somehow. It's not like I can talk to Dan about it, because that'd be like a slap in the face. And Elin's busy and I don't want to bug her by talking about it constantly. So this is my only outlet.

I hate Valentine's Day. It only succeeded in depressing me even more, of course. I was planning something that would hopefully grab Mike's attention but we had a snow day. So much for that. I've tried different ways of approaching the situation, but nothing works. I just want to talk to him. Is that so much to ask for? I'll wait forever for him, if that's what it takes to hold him in my arms again, but I need him so badly right now. It tortures me every day. I hate that everyone's been pushing me to move on. Sure, things are looking pretty bleak, but how do you get over someone you truly love? Someone you could seriously imagine spending the rest of your life with? If he asks me to wait until summer, I will. If he asks me to wait until after we graduate, I will. I don't care how long it takes. I don't care if, after tending to my wounds at night, I wake up and they're fresh, open, bleeding. I'll withstand anything to be with him again. I had a brief thing with Eric, in an attempt to take everyone's advice and move on, but that definitely didn't work. I don't think I can be more than friends with him. He's fun to flirt with and to be around, but I can't date him. Kissing him felt so weird. The second after he asked me out and I said yes, I knew it was a mistake, and I got out of that as fast as I could. I feel bad, but I don't want to be with anyone but Mike, and I can't say I haven't tried. I do like Eric, but it's nothing lasting, nothing like Mike. I feel like such a part of me is missing. I feel like Bella in the book New Moon, where every day rips at the hole in her heart while Edward is away. Mike's my Edward. You know, I'm contemplating just going up to him and kissing him, as blunt and straightforward as that is. I miss his lips. I just want to kiss him again, even if it's by surprise. I'm so greedy. I love him so much. I regret every second I spent away from him. I wish I could take it all back and replace it with nothing but love. No anger, no sadness, just pure, utter bliss. I want to treat him with all the respect and love he deserves. How dare I break his heart. How dare I ask for another chance after everything...

I basically owe my survival throughout all this to my friends, especially because I'm getting self-destructive again. I hate it. I never really wanted to rely so much on other people but I'm doing it unintentionally. Maybe that's what real friendship is all about. It's an unconcious agreement to be one another's crutch. I never really understood that before. I always preferred being independent because it seemed like whoever I trusted and got attached to always left, but there's nothing like having friends, and I've finally met people I actually like being with. I'm always around Eric now, probably because of the attention he gives me and his amazing backrubs and how funny he is and just the fact that he's a fucking amazing person. Vanessa is one of my absolute favorites. I adore her like no other. She always cheers me up. Always. I can't not smile when I'm around her. Rachael... ahhh I love her. She's so cute and sweet and I could hug her forever. She's absolutely incredible. I'd totally date her, if I thought Scott would allow it. Being around her makes me infinitely happier. And Craig, since we get along so effing well and he's just so wonderful. And Becca is the light of my life. She's too adorable and choir with her brightens my day. And I guess I do have great friends. I always doubted people's loyalty, but... I don't want to anymore. I'm sick of putting up walls and pushing people away. I need someone that needs to be as close to me as I need to be close to them, and it's taken years, but I've found people I love to waste my time with. And that's the most comforting thought I've had all day.

I'm trying to find more reasons to want to wake up in the morning. I'm trying to motivate myself. I'm trying to become a better person. I'm trying to love life. The only essential thing to my happiness that's missing is Mike. But I only want him if he would be happy with me, as well. I'm not going to be selfish. I love him with all my heart, down to my very core, but if he doesn't want this, then who am I to push him?

I feel better.

you know, you know I love you so.

I hate myself more than I have ever hated anything.
I want the grace of his skin, his lips, his eyes, his hands, his stomach, his chest, his hair, his voice.
I want to deserve his time.
I want him to give me a chance to pour my heart out to him.
I want to sob at his feet and beg and plead for forgiveness.
I want to make him laugh and feel carefree.
I want to make him grilled cheese sandwiches.
I want to lay my head on his chest and fall asleep to his heartbeat.
I want to swing in the hammock with him.
I want to talk about sex with him while sitting on ottomans in department stores.
I want to bring him vanilla bean fraps just because.
I want to kiss him in the rain.
I want to sit on the kitchen floor with my head on his shoulder and listen to Youth Group and MCS.
I want to get into water fights that end up with him on top of me.
I want to listen to him play Bright Eyes songs on his guitar.
I want to draw him cute pictures.
I want to take naps with him after school.
I want to sing Yellow by Coldplay to him.
I want to whisper just how much he means to me into his ear.
I want to tell him I love him.

Ergh I lied. I don't want that. I need that.

yeah, they really want you, but I do too...

I wish I knew what to say to fix things -- everything. No one could fuck up as spectacular as I did. I lost you. Forever. I gave up the best thing I had to chase a boy that I barely knew. I threw away 8 months of commitment and true love. And for what? It wasn't worth it. I tossed aside the one thing I was so sure of for a walk on the wild side, only to find it was less alluring once I actually got what I wanted. What I felt for you was nothing but the deepest, most desperate love and I had the most incredible lapse of judgment. I regret it every day. I mentally plan all the things I could say and everything that I could do to make things right but I've done damage beyond repair. I know I'll never win you back but I spend my days fantasizing the way things would work out if life was like the movies. I wish it was like the movies. I wish things had happy endings. But life isn't quite so kind, and nor was I when I broke your heart multiple times and now -- just now -- I'm realizing that I can't pick up the pieces. I can't make you feel whole and that thought tortures me every waking second. You look at me as if I'm nothing when all I can do is stare back with the most utmost longing behind hazy, unseeing eyes and guarded smiles, pretending my heart doesn't ache when you cross my path and merely wave. I fucked up big time. I don't expect you to forgive me. I wish you would, but I know that I've messed up and the consequence seems to be your indifference at my presence. I don't mean anything anymore. I am the girl you loved unconditionally once upon a time. I am the girl you've grown to ignore. I'm a filthy speck of scum who destroyed the world she worked so hard to obtain. I am the girl who is still in love and still so unable to let go.



Anyway. Dan broke up with me on Sunday. Whatever, I'm so over this. He asks me almost every day if I want to get back together. I guess I understand why he does. We still kiss and stuff but it really doesn't mean much to me. Yeahhh I love him. But things are better this way and I find it hypocritical that he said on Sunday we should break things off to figure things out and then a couple days later, he tells me how much he misses me and wants to get back together. I turn him down every time. He's in California for the entire winter break. I probably won't miss him all that much. Ergh.

I miss Mike... p.q

wow

best. story. ever.

Mar. 13th, 2005

President Bush has just made a public announcment about homosexuality on CBS as of 02/23/05. George Bush is going to put a ban on homosexuals in the media because its "raising the future americans the wrong way" as he states in the interview. If we can get 200 people to sign this petition, we can get this bill not passed. Your help is really needed bad and we would appreciate it if you could sign the petiton to show how much you care. Once you get to 200 signatures, send it to killbillscene@yahoo.com

please make a difference in america! show us that you care!!!
- Right Way Committee of America

1. Jake Thomas (Vacaville, Califonia) ERASE THE HATE!
2. Craig Smith (San Fran, Cali)
3. Emily Townsend (Las Vegad, Nevada)
4. Andre Johnson +Detroit, Michigan+
5. Kimmi Moss |mesa, arizona|
6. Tara Crown (atlanta, geogia)
7. *Marlon Melson* -Mcdonough, Ga- (this shit aint fucking right man)
8.Dylan Bartos-richmond, Va
9.Brent Neifield- Cheltenham, Pa
10. Andrew Munson- Oceanside, CA
11. Ashley Medbery, Columbia, South Carolina
12.nathan XXX brown,arizona,peoria
13. Raven Serin-Phoenix, az
14 Derek Sinock-San Diego,Ca Im not gay but ill support em.
15. GERM - san diego,ca why all the hate?
16. Robert Michael Schultze, San Diego, Ca 92154. Come and get me Nazi fuckbag.
17. Lee Krysinski, San Diego, CA
18. sterling barck - costa mesa, ca
19. Cami Barton- San Diego, CA
20. Leah Rosenbaum- San Diego, Ca
21. Tony Stremski- san diego ca
22. Brooke Ives-Los Angeles, CA
23. Megan Bunch- Locust Grove, VA
24. Vito Angelico, Berwyn, IL
25. Jordy - Huntington Beach, CA
26. Paula - Canby, OR
27. Stephanie- Stoneham, MA
28. Leah - Malden, MA
29. Anthony - Melrose, MA
30. John - Waltham, MA
31. Cassandra- Waltham, MA.
32. Matt Spurr - Beverly, MA
33. Sarah Lorigan- NH
34. Kim Gatti-NH
35. Adam Byron - NH
36. Ryan Donovan - Nashua, NH
37. julia berry - nashua, NH
38. Kaitlyn Curran - Revere, MA
39. Leah Camley - Revere, MA
40. Christine MARIE Brienza the first- billerica, MA
41. Tracey Brienza- Billerica Ma
42. Da Net Bartlett- billerica, ma
43. Lizzz Bender- Townsend Ma
44. Andrew Weber (slash) - Philadelphia, PA
45. Jess Kahn - Philadelphia, PA
46. Nikkie Elwood- Wilmington, DE
47. Alissa Lamanna-wilm, de
48. Catherine Pleins- Roseville, MI
49. Leanne Zavsza-Clinton Township, MI
50. Melinda Mullen - Pittsburgh, PA
51. Kara Mitchell - MI
Please post an honest opinion anonymously about what you think about me. Anything you wish to say. It can be as long as you want, just please be completely honest, and don't be afraid to say exactly what you think.